Fer the week starting…………….

25th, 2012
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By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: Thank you very much Jane and Norman from Gillingham who sent me a nasty mail following last week’s horoscope. Unfortunately the post mark reveals that you are from the wrong Gillingham. My “snide remarks” were about people from the other town of the same name! It’s difficult doing this job you know, I also get mail from people if I predict a bad week for them. Please don’t shoot the messenger; I’m only reading what is foretold in the stars. Oh, and a Bunny person wants to know why he can’t go back to being a horrible creepy-crawly Scorpio. Well, because it’s my horoscope and I don’t like scorpions that’s why and I might predict a bad week for Bunnies now that you’ve got me in a bad mood.
Aquarius: If you didn’t find a better partner last week then best give up. Time to reassess the old model, look at both of you in the mirror and you may well conclude that that’s the best you’ll ever get. If I was a bloke only pretending to be a lady I think I’d stand a chance with Milla Jovovich.
Pisces: You will do well in your career if you get to work before everyone else; especially if you sabotage the opposition’s computer. You might also give some thought to taking the boss a nice fruit pie every day. Please read my book “Backstabbing made easy” which gives many hints on furthering your career. Cut down on the drink, remember…”Drink easy, pull easy”.
Aries: Celine Dion and Adolf Hitler were both born under Aries; so please don’t scream very loudly or invade any countries. Eat plenty of fruit and veg’ to keep your bowels healthy.
Taurus: Fred Astair was a Taurus so you could have a future in dancing or putting out oil fires. Ladies might want to aspire to the success of Eva Peron who married a powerful dictator and could sing quite well.
Gemini: A week of self improvement. The long overdue diet of course, cut down on the drink, stop being a bore and paint over the stupid tattoos. Smile though your heart be weary, brush your teeth before bed and don’t forget to floss.
Cancer: Many Cancer people work for HSBC and regularly cancel innocent people’s credit cards. They will have a miserable week, possibly with piles and a cold sore, so will everyone working in the Cardiff call centre.
Leo: If your love life is boring try this. Wear a very big hat for a start, then borrow a dog with a missing leg and take a walk in your local park with it. You’ll be surprised at how many people you meet. If you can’t find a dog with a leg missing you may consider converting a four legged one.
Virgo: “Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.” Aesop said that but I’m not sure about him, he drank a lot. If I was a Virgo I think I’d go with “A rolling stone is worth two in the bush”. Be very, very careful all day Thursday.
Libra: I think I mentioned before that you should try to get out more. The internet is a wonderful tool but can easily enslave you. That beautiful Russian lady you write to is really a fat old lady in Accrington. Join your local library and check out the librarian; imagine her without the specs and with her hair down.
Bunny: I foresee another good week; a flourishing career, blossoming love life and good health all round. There may be one or two exceptions such as the man with the band-saw or the lady airline pilot on a bad-hair day. A lady in Lincolnshire once gobbled up a small herd of sheep with a combine-harvester because she was having a bad-hair day.
Sagittarius: Did you notice that your constellation is bigger than usual? That denotes that many of you are fat; try not to be. Before you get round to losing weight why not lock yourself in your house for a while. Alternatively, move to America and nobody will notice.
Capricorn: Don’t take your spouse for granted, from time to time tell him or her that you love them; don’t overdo it of course lest you breed suspicion. Try a bunch of flowers men, or a bottle of whisky ladies. If I was a man only pretending to be a lady I’d probably prefer Jamesons; Red Label would be a bit of an insult. Any old flowers will do chaps, steal some from a graveyard.
So: I organized a quiz night in the hotel which has the majority of our tourists. I had prepared three sets of questions, “Easy”, “Medium” and “Difficult”. My plan was to start with the “Medium” so I could judge the level of knowledge of the people. After the first four questions I switched to “Easy”. Even then I found that the only questions the blokes could answer were about football and the ladies could only answer TV soap-opera questions. Nobody could tell me who wrote Winston Churchill’s autobiography and about ten minutes after I told them I asked who wrote Katharine Hepburn’s autobiography. The only answer I got was “Winston Churchill?” I think I mentioned that there were a lot of Accrington people with us. I had also written a question asking who wrote “Anne Frank’s Diary” but I couldn’t bring myself to ask it; I was feeling a bit poorly.

Don’t take your spouse for granted, from time to time tell him or her that you love them; don’t overdo it of course lest you breed suspicion. Try a bunch of flowers men or a bottle of whisky ladies. If I was a man only pretending to be a lady I’d probably prefer Jamesons; Red Label would probably be a bit of an insult.

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