Your Crazy Horoscope 16-22.07.2012
For the week beginning…………..
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: Peter and I have been out a few times in the last week and the other rep’s are very jealous. They complain that I’m getting away with my uniform being sexed up a bit and that I’m being rude to guests and getting away with it. We have one male rep who’s as queer as a nine pound note and I think he fancies Peter so he’s being horrible to me. See if I care you big fairy! We had a lovely lot of guests last week, a really fun lot; they were led by a group from somewhere up near Newcastle who were here for a wedding but started celebrating the minute they got on the transfer bus; they haven’t stopped drinking since. They are the first lot of tourists to actually tip me. They had a whip-round and gave me about thirty quid just for the transfer. I gave the driver half; well nearly half.
Aquarius: A disproportionate number of cross-dressing men are Aquarius’s; Eddie Izzard, Barry Humphries and Jack Lemon for instance. Not that it worries me; I am not a man pretending to be a lady. Charles Darwin who invented evolution used to dress a bit funny too. Excellent week ahead.
Pisces: I told you last week would be a good one didn’t I? Of course I couldn’t foresee all the exceptions, I think I’ve warned you before about unplugging your modem in a thunderstorm and I know I’ve told you not to get blocked up by poor diet. Figs and dried apricots chaps! Licorice even, Pontefract cakes!
Aries: Oh dear oh dear! Do you tattooed fools think you look attractive? “Body art” indeed! A good week for those without any disfigurement, even inhabitants of Accrington. I see an improvement in your love life but financial difficulties. Try to get rich somehow.
Taurus: Newborn Taurus people should try to get plenty of rest. Feed as often as you like but in between feeding why not sleep? You will not ingratiate yourself with people if you keep crying. Your romantic prospects seem slight. Grown-up Taurus’s who are not potty-trained by now should be.
Gemini: Your constellation has got me stumped this week. There could be a tall dark stranger entering your sphere but it could equally be a little fat Welsh person. Avoid the latter. Career prospects seem just as contradictory; you could be invited to join the board but could be sacked. Thank goodness your health lookout this week is clear.
Cancer: Great week coming up for most of you but a few of you will drown or be electrocuted. Avoid water and electricity. Brush your teeth with an up and down motion. Geminis are often too shy and withdrawn, work on this; start by wearing extremely loud clothing; starting with your shoes and ending with a big hat, maybe pink.
Leo: A good week romantically unless you are getting married. Prospects at your place of work look grim so perhaps call in sick and stay at home and search the internet for one of those rude Russian ladies.
Virgo: It is said that wheat grows as golden as corn so try to remember that when a crisis occurs mid-week. Floss your teeth daily but not if they’re false.
Libra: I see a difficult week ahead for many of you especially if you fall down a manhole, best stay well clear of manholes. Very short people should try to grow upwards, not outwards, nobody likes short fat people.
Bunny: It has been shown that 8.3% of Accrington people were born under your sign. That’s a very real tragedy, consider moving to Harrogate or Lymington or somewhere nice.
Sagittarius: When on holiday try going to a disco and bumping bottoms with complete strangers, you’ll be surprised at the results.
Capricorn: Avoid looking mean by buy buying a round of drinks now and then. At work keep the boss sweet by giving him a cake or fruit pie daily. Men can impress girls by a wallet stuffed with money, monopoly money will stand a casual glance.
So: The week went very well indeed except for the food poisoning. It seems that they gave the chef the sack so he put a dead rat in the soup. Everyone said it was delicious and had double helpings. When the punters recovered they had the nerve to put in complaints but I told them it was their own fault for being greedy. Why don’t people just chill out when they’re on holiday? Me and David are getting on great and he got me a pay-raise so I bought a bottle of Champagne and we had a party, just him and me. The Geordie lot are leaving tomorrow which is a shame but we are having a big party tonight, I’ll let you know how it goes next week.