For the week starting ……………
Your Crazy Horoscope [No 83]
For the week starting ……………
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: The Geordies’ farewell party got a bit out of hand, pretty well as predicted. One or two of the blokes decided it would be fun to strip off. They climbed onto the bar and the rest of the party people started singing “The Stripper” and the blokes on the bar obliged. The trouble started when all the staff walked out in disgust. That’s when everyone started helping themselves to the drink. Of course they went straight to the expensive liquor and so got even drunker than they had been before. The manager then called the police but I think he must have exaggerated because the riot squad turned up. They couldn’t control the lads so they threw a tear-gas thingy in and when we all ran out they arrested us. There were only five women so we got a separate cell. There were twenty five blokes jammed into a small cell and two of them were naked.
Aquarius: Great career prospects if you turn up every day and butter up the boss with a few simple phrases like “I think you’re fantastic sir”. Maybe lick his shoes, they like that. Love may blossom but if you are very ugly it’s less likely.
Pisces: Last night I was doing my usual astral projection exercise when a comet passed through Pisces, I’m sure that depicts a fantastic fortnight ahead for some of you but catastrophe for some others, the trouble is I’m not sure who gets what. I also had a vision of a snake which I think means that you might be bitten by a snake but I’m not sure.
Aries: Somebody once said that “Happiness can’t buy you money” which of course is quite true so give up trying to be happy, concentrate on getting rich. Also remember that “Money can’t buy you love”. Avoid saturated fats and eat plenty of roughage.
Taurus: I see romance ahead for many Taurus people, especially the more attractive ones. If you look in the mirror and see that you are ugly then I suggest you concentrate on your career; however the more attractive will tend to do better there too.
Gemini: Yes, I was wrong last week, I’m sorry. My astral projection image of a comet was nowhere near your constellation: you almost certainly survived the week. 1`2 3Probably a poor week for those without money.
Cancer: I strongly advise Cancer people to try to avoid lightening strikes this week; wear rubber boots and don’t stand under trees in a thunderstorm; see if you can find a nearby Faraday’s Cage. Love may blossom if you survive the week.
Leo: Davy Crocket was a Leo and used to wear hats made of dead cats; I advise against that in this day and age. Tortoise shells make excellent headwear, they are waterproof and will protect against small arms fire in the event of a Mexican siege.
Virgo: I believe I’ve suggested a diet before. Oh well, please yourself. Now about those tattoos. Frankly you look ridiculous! No offence intended. Try to develop a personality. I think we can count out romance this week, sorry, it’s just not in the stars.
Libra: An excellent week ahead if you avoid walking under ladders and stepping on joints in footpath paving. Also avoid water and electricity. Steer clear of madmen with axes. Your health may improve with a better diet.
Bunny: Mickey Mouse was born under your sign and so was the bloke running Iran. I see some similarities there, however Bill Gates was too so if you try very hard you might get rich. Mickey Mouse is 84 years old.
Sagittarius: Jenny Agutter is a Sagi’ and if I was a man only pretending to be a lady I wouldn’t half fancy her. Mind you she’s knocking on a bit now. So is Tina Turner, she’s 103 but still going strong.
Capricorn: A good week all round except for those who are in jail who will have a poor week if they don’t escape. Mind you it’s cushier in jail than in the Hilton these days. When I was young jail was a real deterrent but not these days, they should hang them all.
So: The company sent a lawyer to get us out of jail but it was a horrible night. All the blokes were still drunk for a few more hours and were singing those sad jail songs that black blokes seem to specialize in. I think a few of them must have been in jail before, maybe in America. Of course the Geordies all missed their plane but we took them to the airport anyway and just left them there. Serves them right for being drunk Geordies. The new guests are all very old people so the next two weeks should be a doddle.