For the weeks starting ……..
Your Crazy Horoscope [No 120]
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: We eventually met up with the ship “Norma” which had broken down somewhere between Greece and Turkey. When we drew alongside to pass over a tow rope I kept well out of sight in case anyone recognized me as being the one who set fire to the ship [accidently] four years earlier. Gulley was OK, nobody knew him as the one who had dropped a spudpole of the dredger into ten fathoms of ocean. The tow was rigged within the hour but unfortunately it was decided that only a skeleton crew would stay aboard Norma and the rest of the crew were to be on our tug. I smelled trouble because as ship’s cook I was bound to meet some of them.
Pisces: A staggering 8.3 percent of bank robbers are Pisces people. If you must be a bank robber then at least try to be a nice one. A “Please” and “Thank you” costs you nothing. People might start calling you “The nice bandid” or something similar.
Aries: I suppose it was my fault. When I advised you to keep your trousers on two weeks ago I didn’t mean 24 hours a day for two weeks. Better have a bath right now and change your trousers and undies. There is much less chance of having your wallet stolen this week.
Taurus: I did an excellent reading for you chaps based on the ascent of Venus and Saturn but then I found that they were sort of not ascending so tough luck chaps. Stay indoors all week, even in bed apart from visits to the loo where you are advised to not touch anything electrical and wash your hands thoroughly.
Gemini: I told you it would be an exciting week! A lady in Leeds was attacked by a crow and a chap in Taunton died after choking on an out of control electric toothbrush. Those things were certainly exiting. Love will loom for the young but the old should sort of give up.
Cancer: If your spouse didn’t leave you last week then this could be the week. Bankruptcy should be avoided as should piles and lightning bolts. “Plant a pea you harvest peas.”
Leo: Fidel Castro and Barack Obama are both Leo’s so there may be a chance of one of you becoming a president. If you are very, very black it probably won’t be you though.
Virgo: Your health may suffer if you don’t improve your diet. You should also give up bungee jumping, especially if you are over 60. I strongly advise lady Virgos not to visit e-bay this week you know you get carried away. Men should stay off the Victoria’s Secret website, you know you get carried away.
Libra: Libras tend towards being a bit mean; try to be more generous this week. Career prospects look good especially if you give your supervisor a wad of money. Your love life will also improve if you stuff your wallet with money and wave it around in the pub.
Bunny: Men really must get to grips with tidying the tool shed and women the cupboard under the sink. I know I’m wasting my time telling teenagers what to tidy so just go out and enjoy yourselves kids.
Sagittarius: You chaps are still proving difficult. I noticed that one of your stars went missing during the week. I think that means that some of you will go missing but I don’t know where to. The English should stay away from Wales though, we’re full. Try to arrange a common meeting place and perhaps start a new country. You could call it Sagiland or something similar.
Capricorn: “Better plough a field with an angry ox than a timid kitten”. I’ve always found a lot of comfort in that wise mantra, bear it in mind. If you plough a field during the week best wear wellies. If it rains take an umbrella too. You talk too much.
Aquarius: Just a fantastic week for most but not if you live in Accrington or Swindon.
So: When the crew of “Norma” came aboard I hid down in the food store, but after a couple of hours the dredge master came looking for me because I hadn’t even started cooking the dinner. I got into the galley without being seen but when it was time to serve dinner I was in full view of the whole crew and sure enough I spotted a deckhand who had been on “Norma” when I accidently set it on fire. He didn’t see me until he reached the serving counter, then he gave me a big wink and just said “Hi again Blod’, still smoking?” I just smiled at him and gave him an extra piece of meat. I’m going to have to be careful, if word gets out about that fire they’ll probably throw me overboard, sailors are very superstitious people.