Your Crazy Horoscope 07.05.2012

7th, 2012
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Well: Things went a bit wrong with my plan to get Gunther arrested for terrorism thus earning promotion for me and Mr X. They raided his apartment the day before market day hoping to find him with the bomb all ready. There was no bomb of course but what they found more or less put him in the clear. He turned out to be an undercover drugs-squad policeman and was working together with the Turkish police. Worse still he had been recording every conversation he’d had with everyone in our restaurant. Of course none of the incriminating conversations I had reported were on the tapes. Later that day they interviewed me and got very angry when I couldn’t explain things. They eventually locked me up and told me that I was fired from the restaurant.

Aquarius:  Galileo was an Aquarius and he invented the earth going round the sun so that was clever. You may invent something similar but that one’s been done. Your love life could go from bad to worse unless you improve your technique and manners. Avoid eating crisps in bed. Watch out for rain showers midweek.

Pisces:  I told you that Greece would be on strike. Many British miners were Pisces people. You tend towards shyness, overcome this by going into a disco, getting very drunk and thrashing around on the dance floor. Try bumping bottoms with everyone. Not sailors though.

Aries: I have only known two people who have been struck by lightning and, though I don’t want to alarm you, both were Aries people. Both were also female. I think I have to suggest that all female Aries women should stay indoors all week, preferably inside what’s known as a “Faraday Cage” but I don’t know where to find those things. Men should be OK but should watch out for banana skins and doggy-doo.

Taurus: Both Sony and Cher were born under Taurus so you could do well in show biz’ this week. However, Sony died before his time and Cher turned into plastic so be careful. Hitler was also a Taurus so you might think about invading a few places. Poland is supposed to be easy; oh, and France of course.

Gemini: I see a tall stranger enter your life. If you are tall and strange yourself it could be you in the mirror so don’t be alarmed. Ladies could be into a romance but men should be very wary, if it’s a bloke he might hit you and if it’s a tall strange lady then things could get really weird.

Cancer: A lucky break on Tuesday could lead to a career change, unless you have a job like rat-catcher or car washer and then I just can’t see an easy change coming your way. Rat-catcher to lawyer? Car-washer to architect? Do me a favour! Ladies might give some thought to the art of massage; I hear that the money is good and the tips can be very generous.

Leo: Now I want you people to pay more attention to your dreams. I don’t know what you each dream about but you do. Spend ten minutes at the start of the day trying to think about what your dreams meant. My dream about being naked in Trafalgar Square clearly means that I hate the English and I feel much better knowing that.

Virgo: Mother Theresa was a Virgo but on the other hand so was Gwyneth Owens from The Swan in Rhyl and she was a right tart. Best not read significance into those examples. Good career prospects [Can’t say that of Theresa] and a satisfactory love life [OK, Gwyneth does well enough].  Richard Gere and Hugh Grant share this constellation with you men and they are rich and famous. Most of you aren’t and won’t be.

Libra: Libras must learn to accept their lot. You are probably as advanced as you’ll ever be career wise and if you check yourself out in the mirror I think you’ll see that you have the spouse you deserve.

Bunny: Now I know that you are, deep down, generous by nature but you should show it more. For instance you might occasionally buy a round in the pub and at a dinner perhaps don’t excuse yourself to the toilet when the bill shows up. People notice these things you know. As for charity, a ten pence piece in the Red Cross tin isn’t going to go far in Haiti, is it?

Sagittarius: Churchill, Custer, Carnegie ! Need I say more? You are certainly in good company. However, if you are just a salesman, welder or waitress then you are not likely to go down in history are you? Accept your position and just be nice. Change your underwear frequently in case of an accident and consequent hospital visit.

Capricorn: Keep applying the ointment and increase your intake of roughage. A hot bath gives temporary relief. “Because the pleasure-bird whistles after the hot wires, shall the blind horse sing sweeter?” [Dylan Thomas]

So: After a severe telling off by the British consul they decided to let me go without charges. As I said, they sacked me from my job at the restaurant so I had to find a smaller apartment and set about finding a job. I eventually applied to a British holiday company and they took me on as a rep’. The money isn’t very good but I could earn commission and some tips. I start next week. I have to meet a group at the airport, take the tourists by bus to their hotels and the next day I have to go to meet them and tell them all about the resort and try to sell them day trips. They gave me a really awful looking uniform which I normally wouldn’t be seen dead in. I’ll see if I can make small changes to make it sexier. Singing Glyn hasn’t been around much lately so if I don’t tell anyone where my new apartment is, its possible I might be rid of him.

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