Your Crazy Horoscope 04-10.06.2012
Well: I turned up at 1000hrs at the hotel which had the most of our tourists on the day after their arrival. Only one couple was there but they told me that quite a few others were coming so we just chatted and the others started drifting in over the next half hour. Eventually I decided that I had enough so I started my lecture. Just like the previous evening I got the impression that half of them were gormless and they asked the most stupid questions. One couple was worried about the war in Syria and they thought they’d heard some bombs in the night. I told them that Syria is about 500 miles away and that maybe they had heard thunder. Then someone complained that they hadn’t expected thunder in May. Anyway, I managed to sell a couple of trips and I escaped and managed to get to my next hotel just half an hour late.
Aquarius: I told you you’d have a good week. Of course I’m not privy to how it went with you and the very tall person you met but I suspect that being an Aquarius you rose to the occasion. Good on ya’ cobber. Be careful on Thursday, statistically 8.3 % of all sudden deaths happen to Aquarius people and a staggering 14% of those deaths happen on a Thursday. Grim statistics indeed.
Pisces: David Livingstone who got lost was a Pisces. His friend Stanley [no family name?] said “Doctor Livingstone, I presume?” But I think he should have said “assume”. Livingstone went on to rule London and he breeds newts probably because of his time in the jungle. Good week ahead for all of you.
Aries: I’ve heard that some Aries people think that I’m a man just pretending to be a lady. That is silly; I’m not on TV so why would I dress in a frock to write this? I predict a bad week for those skeptics but a wonderful week for the rest of you.
Taurus: Mars passes near Taurus this week and that’s a bit like a red rag to a bull. “The Sun” is a red rag but not the worst. “Red sky at night is a shepherd’s delight” is worth remembering, also “Red shoes-no knickers”. Clean your teeth every night before bed, preferably with an electric tooth brush which you can also use to froth up cappuccino.
Gemini: This could be a week to change your image from being very mean to being generous. Send me a postal order for a lot of money and I’ll tell everyone and then give you great predictions for a month. As a free sample—I predict that you will send a stranger some money and will greatly benefit by improved health and several lovely ladies.
Cancer: The cupboard under the stairs, the spare room and the outside toilet… need I say more? Come on ladies, please. Men, you are doing well- keep it up.
Leo: You lot let me down last week. I’m not talking to you.
Virgo: Be open to suggestions from friends but be selective. For instance think carefully if a friend tells you to “Go boil your head”, that could hurt a lot. A good week for about 50% of boxers and a bad week for the other 50%. I advise Virgos not to be boxers, try to be a poet; poets don’t hit each other very much.
Libra: you people must remember that people judge you by your clothes to some extent. And it’s important to dress your age; enough said?
Bunny: Many of you are boring; try to be more interesting by swatting up on things like philosophy, critical path analysis and Boolean algebra; you’ll be surprised at how your leisure time will change. Ladies might study football.
Sagittarius: You chaps might reconsider your star sign too. The constellation looks more like a man at a urinal than a bowman to me but I can’t come up with a snappy name. Please give it some thought. Great week coming up.
Capricorn: Lloyd-George was a Capricorn and pretended to be Welsh but he couldn’t sing so they made him prime minister; Capricorns with a mustache should consider a career in politics.
So: The first excursion went well enough. It was a trip to the ancient city just outside Fethiye, I’ve forgotten its name. We picked up the first guests at their hotel at 0930 and had finished picking up all the others at various hotels by 1200; then we set off. Our first stop was at a jeweller’s shop where we stayed for half an hour and I got about £20 commission off the guy. Then we went to a carpet shop but they were too mean to buy much and I only got £5 or so. We eventually got to the site at about 1500 so we could only spend about half an hour there because I had them booked into a café for lunch and we were a bit late. My commission from the café was £15 so by the time we dropped them all off I was up about £40 and it was only 1900 so I got dressed and went to the disco.