Your Crazy Horoscope 16.04.2012
For the weeks starting…….
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: I managed to get rid of Singing Glyn. There was a lady opera singer living about ten miles away from Fethiye, she was a little bit mad but very nice. I invited her to a free meal at the restaurant and she jumped at the chance. I also invited Glyn. Now as soon as Glyn started singing, which was just five minutes after arriving at the restaurant, I saw the opera singer’s eyes light up. She told him that he had a good voice but that it needed training; he could sustain notes in the lower register but let them droop towards the end when in the upper register. She explained that it was all a matter of breath control and she explained one or two exercises which would help him. Before long they were doing the exercises together and really begrudged having to stop when the food was ready. They started on singing scales and arpeggios as soon as they had finished eating so the boss had to ask them to leave. They went back to my apartment and stayed there for three days. I was back to sleeping in the restaurant which suited me fine.
Aquarius: A lot of you chaps were a bit naughty during last week and I predict that you will be naughty this week too. Please try your best to be good in future. The ones who were good last week will probably continue the same way. I bet they called you “Goody-two-shoes” at school.
Pisces: Anais Nin, Gordon Brown and Harold Wilson are all Pisces people which suggests to me that you could be either a moderately successful left wing politician or a very rude person. Sorry to nag but please remember your fruit and veg’.
Aries: Statistically 8.3% of gay men are Aries, they are often referred to as “Aries Fairies”. Nothing to be ashamed of. Good week ahead for all except some criminals who might get caught and sent to jail; 8.3% of those are in for a treat. Some ladies are Aries too and most are nice but should dress just a little better.
Taurus: According to the stars you have a terrible week ahead. The Tarot cards seem to agree so I went to the bones which show a slightly better week ahead except for those who will need the dentist. Many dentists are drug addicts and some are alcoholics.
Gemini: My No1 dog is a Gemini and I foresee a very good week ahead with lots of bones and a week free of fleas. Gemini humans will also be free of fleas if they wash thoroughly but eating bones could damage your teeth. The Queen Mother used to eat bones.
Cancer: Woody Guthrie and Woody Harrelson are both born Cancer chaps and I see a great week ahead for lumberjacks and people like that. It is quite uncanny isn’t it? I advise people to drink Turkish beer, it is very good indeed and remember “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder”.
Leo: Sorry to be a misery but do you really think that your constellation looks like a Lion? It looks more like a cabbage to me. I bet that in Africa the lions look up to the night sky and think we’re mad. A good week for your career, romance and health [especially if you eat plenty of greens such as cabbage].
Virgo: Sorry, I can’t help sniggering! Seriously though, there is a chance of a great week ahead as far as “romance” is concerned. I know a Virgo who had an outstandingly “romantic” week last week but he was Turkish and you know how “romantic” they can be!
Libra: The great Katherine Zeta Jones will have an excellent week, the rest of you won’t. Sorry, not my fault, “Don’t shoot the messenger”. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch”. Katherine Zeta Jones is Welsh, so is pop icon Tom Jones, but he’s not a Libra, so should be OK.
Bunny: I did warn Bunnies last week to stay away from the sea but some did not heed me and many drowned. Pity really. Promotion is possible for those who didn’t drown but not for those at the very top. I see travel ahead for many but the distances are not clear. I see spots for many Bunnies between the ages of 13 and 17, I advise eating less white bread, more exercise, stay regular and no smoking.
Sagittarius: Statistics show that many foreigners are born under this star signs which is why I am typing so slowly. One good example is Milla Jovovich who is very sexy and if I was a bloke just pretending to be a Welsh lady I wouldn’t half fancy her. Of course if I was a bloke I’d be old enough to be her dad but we all have our fantasies, don’t we.
Capricorn: You Capricorn lot are very often a bit stroppy aren’t you? It could be your hormones but as you can’t do much about that you might try a change of diet. Curries are out and so is tomato ketchup. Plenty of fish and green vegetables is advised and by the way, dental hygiene is very important, brush your teeth with an up and down motion.
So: With Glyn out of the way, I decided to act on getting Gunther busted for terrorism thus getting Mr X and me promoted within the secret service. You’re asking if I have any guilty feelings about the scheme? Well no, he is fat, German, very rude and has never tipped me since he’s been coming here; he deserves a few months in jail. Anyway, I told Mr X that I’d overheard him saying that the Friday market would be the target and that “they” would escape by speedboat as soon as the bomb went off. Mr X got very excited and told me I’d done a good job and would be rewarded well. He advised me not to go to the market on Friday just in case.
By Very Mystic Blodweudd