Your Crazy Horoscope 22.05.2012

22nd, 2012
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Well: I met my first tour group on Monday morning. It was a bit of a pain because the plane was two hours late so I was sitting at the airport for a long time. I got to meet a few of the other reps, some from our company and some from different companies. The old hands who had been at it for a couple of years or more seemed a bit stuck-up and looked down on us new ones but it didn’t worry me, I’d just been sacked by the secret service and was on the wanted list of half a dozen countries! Oh, I’d had my uniform tailored  to look a bit more attractive and I could tell they were all jealous, my skirt was twelve inches above my knees and really tight around my bot’. I got a lot of nice looks from the male reps and daggers from the girls. Girls? Some of them were about 50 and mainly quite ugly. I can see that I might do well in this racket.

Aquarius: I sincerely hope that your health improves and please remember that the mind and the body are very closely linked and I think that Aquariuses need to get their minds sorted out before moving on to their bodies. Cut all lechery and avarice from your thoughts and when you have done that you can move on to the mess that is your body.

Pisces: I was out looking at your constellation last night and it was suddenly obscured by a cloud. It probably doesn’t mean a thing, however I should stay indoors all week if I were you and don’t answer the phone or the door. Don’t open any file attachments ending with .exe and stay off porn sites from Thursday midday.

Aries: Mean and grumpy Aries will probably have a mean and grumpy week. No problem as far as I’m concerned unless you work for HSBC and stop my credit card again. If you do then I’m predicting severe constipation and a cold sore or two.

Taurus: I want you to remember the old saying “A wet crow flies not at night” as you navigate the tricky waters of the coming week.

Gemini: OK, I’m sorry, I got it wrong again didn’t I? Your partner leaving and your attack of haemorrhoids is to be a year from then. This week could be OK.

Cancer. “Little by little bananas do grow”. So do tomatoes actually and at least tomatoes grow in accordance with the laws of gravity as invented by Sir Isaac Newton who wasn’t Welsh but the chap who invented Tennis was. Bear all that in mind as you go through a truly terrible week.

Leo. If you grow bananas I predict a boring week unless you get out a bit more. If you do go out avoid railway stations with your anorak on, people will avoid you. Also don’t wear the anorak in a pub for the same reason. I predict an uplift in romance but at the expense of finance. Wear sensible shoes.

Virgo. Mars influences Virgo this week which could indicate a Red Indian entering your life, or your house especially if you are a Red Indian yourself. It could also indicate that you will go to war, try not to especially if you are a softie. Softies should try to pull themselves together. Oh, but lady softies are fine. Avoid arrows.

Libra: . “No man can paddle two canoes at the same time”. I think that means that if you have two canoes you should only go out in one. That seems very sensible to me. I see an exciting week in terms of career and love but remember the canoe thing please.

Bunny: I got you mixed up again, sorry. It’s this week which offers you the possibility of being a bit less boring. My advice differs a little this week though. I advise you not to be so utterly boring. Joseph Stalin was a Scorpio [as it was at that time] and was boring for many years but he got quite interesting after a while. Don’t develop into a tyrant though, aim to be interesting but nice.

Sagittarius: I did an excellent reading for you chaps based on the ascent of Venus and Saturn but then I found that they were sort of not ascending so tough luck chaps. Stay indoors all week, even in bed apart from visits to the loo where you are advised to not touch anything electrical and wash your hands thoroughly.

Capricorn: Rowen Atkinson and Rod Stewart are both Capricorns so you may well try your luck as a comedian. On the other hand so was Elvis and so is Shirley Bassey so you could try singing. Shirley is Welsh and so is Catherine Zeta Jones, the most beautiful woman in the world.

So: My group’s plane landed and most of them found me, all except one silly lady who wandered around looking dazed till I found her. I told her she was daft and she started crying. I got them all on the bus and tried to get them into a good mood but they all seemed a bit stupid and asked daft questions. Someone from Manchester or Accrington asked how much money he would need for a week and someone else asked how much a carpet would cost; when I asked him how long a piece of string is he just looked at me with a gormless Accrington expression. I dropped them all off at their hotels and told them to meet me tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to it.

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