Your Crazy Horoscope 26.03.2012

26th, 2012
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Your Crazy Horoscope

For the weeks ending

By Very Mystic Blodweudd

 

Well: Our plot to frame Gunter Schmidt was going quite well. I told Mr X, my secret-service controller that Gunter comes into the restaurant smelling of pear-drops. See the plan? I then actually had a friend bring out a couple of kilos of pear-drops which I gave to Gunter, so now he really does smell of them and, as far as Mr X is concerned, smells of plastic-explosive. Mr X didn’t let on to me what the significance of the smell suggested so I just acted all innocent-like. Then I said I’d overheard Gunter say that he’d got “a tumble-switch” from his supplier and was only waiting for “the detonator”; [I got all this from a great book called “Nurse Barbara Foils the KGB”. My plan was going well until Singing Glyn turned up again.

Aquarius: Now I don’t want to depress any of you chaps, there really isn’t a lot to worry about and it could be that nothing at all will happen. Anyway, even if it does you have to remember that worse things happen at sea and in any case you’ve had a pretty fair life so far; well, not all of you obviously. My advice is to just relax.

Pisces: Didn’t I tell you that love could blossom? Well, I can’t be held responsible for the actual quality of who you happen to fall in love with can I? All I can do is read the signs and relay my interpretation [based on my mystical gift]; well, in any case I apologize.

Aries: “A man who calls for caviar should be grateful for an egg”. There is a lot of truth in that old saying so bear it in mind as you steer your way through a difficult week. Steer well clear of Aquarius people, especially do not marry one.

Taurus: With an ascending Pluto I think you should avoid contact sports the coming week. Other forms of contact should be OK but be very careful if you are married. If I was a married man only pretending to be a lady and Milla Javovich slid up to me the way those Russian women do, I would just shun her [If I was a Taurus].

Gemini: Have you ever thought that you had gone into the wrong line of work? Gemini people should not enter into work which involves being nice to people, they are better suited to work in a post-office or something similar. There are good prospects in sewers too.

Cancer: Men really must get to grips with tidying the tool shed and women the cupboard under the sink. I know I’m wasting my time telling teenagers what to tidy so just go out and enjoy yourselves kids.

Leo: When I said that one of your stars was missing last week I was wrong. I borrowed Glyn’s telescope and it views everything upside-down and I’m not used to that. All your stars are still there so all will be well. I hope you didn’t panic and move house or do something drastic like that. Sorry again.

Virgo:  I only see a totally boring week ahead, sorry; unless of course you plan to rob a bank or something similar in which case it probably won’t be boring. Good luck. Invest in an electric toothbrush and use it on your gums as well as your teeth.

Libra: If you work in a call-center why not learn to speak proper English? And if the stupid customer who you have stranded in Turkey [for instance] by cancelling his card can’t understand you why not speak slowly? Rotten love life, sorry. Cold sore and piles.

Bunny: I want you bunny people to spend a few minutes in front of the mirror in the morning. Do you like what you see? Be honest, you could lose a few kilos couldn’t you? No, “Big built” won’t do fatty.

Sagittarius: I sometimes wish I was a Sagi’ but certainly not this week.

Capricorn: I see a fantastic week ahead chaps and chap-esses, money, love and all round happiness will abound. It’s a good time of the year to mulch the garden but a bit early to cut back the roses. If you travel abroad best buy “Preparation H” before you go; miming the need in a foreign country can be embarrassing.

So: Singing Glyn turned up again. He hitch hiked all the way back here from the middle of the country. He told me that the last lorry driver didn’t like his singing so he had to ride in the back with some cows; he stank to high heaven when he came in the café so I sent him home to shower. So, what’s gone wrong with my plan is that Glyn has now become friends with Gunter and much as I dislike Glyn’s singing I don’t want him sent to jail, he is my cousin after all. I’ll have to get rid of Glyn somehow before pulling the plug on Gunter.

By Very Mystic Blodweudd

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