Your Crazy Horoscope [No 85]

12th, 2012
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For the week starting…………….
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: The first week with the old dears was awful. I couldn’t get them out of their hotel. It was the toilet issue. Well, eventually I found a restaurant with about ten ladies’ toilets and for the men five cubicles and ten urinals; perfect. The trouble was that they didn’t do an entertainment evening but I soon fixed that. I know an English woman who does belly-dancing; she’s just a bit “over the hill” but the old folk won’t notice. I asked her if she would find half a dozen blokes to do a “Turkish Barber” sketch and she agreed. Then we got a German guitarist and singer. We had a show! The highlight was to be the belly dancer dragging some punters up on stage to make fools of themselves. The tickets sold out on the first day.
Aquarius: In Turkey they say “The horns must grow above the ears” and I think there’s a lot of sense in that, please remember it mid-week when things might get a bit sticky. Avoid stickiness on shoes by not stepping on chewing gum. Sticky fingers should also be avoided.
Pisces: Doctor Livingstone was a Pisces and was discovered by Mr. Stanley, so you should not worry if you are lost in a jungle this week. Livingstone also invented half of Africa so there could be scope for you in that area. Chew your food well before swallowing and don’t smoke during meals, you disgusting people.
Aries: A good week ahead I think but try not to contact a deadly tropical disease which makes all your skin pores leak so that you completely drain of blood within about an hour and die a shriveled mess. Also avoid lightening strikes. Avoid unnecessary worry, it’s a killer.
Taurus: Not a great week ahead; perhaps a step backwards in your career and it could well be that your spouse will leave you. On the other hand you could get a massive pay rise and a fantastic lover “on the side” as they say; hard to tell really.
Gemini: Time to chastise the men this week; you ladies did well last week. OK guys…the tool shed, the dripping tap in the kitchen, the new shelf in the dining room and that weed patch at the bottom of the garden. Please try to do your bit around the house. Oh, and change your undies once in a while. But ladies…the bedroom carpet!
Cancer: Ginger Rogers was a Cancer lady and did quite well dancing in partnership with Red Adair who used to put out oil fires in his spare time. Personally I think they should have called themselves “Red Rogers and Ginger Adair”, more of a ring to that. If you are a dancer you could consider a name change. Get in with “Tippy-toe Tony” or similar. If you are quite fat due to being “big-boned” and stuffing yourself with chips smothered in ketchup, forget a career on the boards.
Leo: Silly ladies abound under Leo, however Hillary Swank and Charlie Theron are also Leos so keep on trying girls. Phil’ Larkin was also a Leo but died without finding a rhyme with “orange”. Even I solved that one but for obvious reasons I won’t tell you until my poem is published.
Virgo: Virgin? Pull the other one!
Libra: I’m tempted to give up on you people. I’ll say it one more time…”Drink easy; pull easy”. [Sir Peter Townsend], also don’t pick your spots or they’ll never get better and floss your teeth regularly. Dear oh dear, you disappoint me.
Bunny: Did I mention that Catherine Zeta Jones is a Bunny lady? She’s Welsh you know. You lot are quite nice but not as nice as Milla Jovovich who isn’t Welsh and she’s not really a Bunny but she is a very nice lady.
Sagittarius: Be on the alert for financial opportunity mid-week. Avoid paying train fare by not buying a ticket and hiding in the toilet from the ticket inspector. A journey from Cardiff to London should cost £30 but I did it free many times. Brush your teeth with an up and down motion and don’t rinse out the toothpaste; it contains anti-septic stuff.
Capricorn: You chaps are nice. I like Capricorns. Great week ahead in all respects. Well done, keep it up.
So: The “Turkish Night Out” was a huge success! The oldies thought the belly dancer was the very height of oriental exotica [Well, she was from the East-End of London!] The sketch went down well and then the typical Turkish meal of chicken and chips was served. The old dears made full use of the toilet facilities and at one time there was not even one of them not in the toilets. When the belly-dancer got five blokes and four women up on stage my heart was in my mouth! Luckily we had no heart attacks and the only accident was a toilet related thing with an old chap, but the staff rustled up a change of trousers and all was well. A great evening.

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