Your Crazy Horoscope [No 88]
For the two weeks starting…………………….
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: The wedding party left and we were very quiet for a few days, then I went to meet a plane at the airport and got quite a surprise, two surprises actually. The first was a group of about 25. They were a ladies football team and 11 of their parents or other supporters. They look like a jolly lot and are here for two weeks, could be fun. Anyway I got them onto the bus then went in search of two passengers who had not yet shown up. Now I haven’t told you my last name but I’ll tell you now that it’s a very common name so I took little notice that the missing pair had the same name but then….I found them at the ATM machine….My Mum and Aunty Dot! The sneaky sisters had booked with our company but hadn’t told me! I was gobsmacked.
Aquarius: A week or two calling for caution especially at the workplace. There are lots of back-stabbers out there. If anyone stays late to “…finish the job off” he could be accessing porn-sites on your computer. Change your passwords frequently.
Pisces: Avoid approaches by older members of the opposite gender, they are probably losers born under the constellation of Cancer. Smart looking young ladies might look out for Welsh chaps because the Welsh are very nice and invented Whisky before the Scots and Catherine Zeta Jones is Welsh. Continue to eat plenty of green vegetables and drink plenty of water. Remember that one should “Only stretch your foot to the length of your blanket”.
Aries: If you’re reading this then it’s a fair bet that you were not hit by a meteorite last week, well done you. Another good week for you ahead, I don’t know what you’ve done to deserve it. If you are over 60 and thinking about buying a motorbike I’d like you to think again you silly old fool, also don’t wear clothes designed for teenagers; what do you look like!
Taurus: You disappoint me chaps: Almost none of you turned over a new leaf and all the fatties are still fat. I predict a good week financially so consider a tummy-tuck. Love will not blossom and some of you will catch a cold, or worse still, get a cold-sore.
Gemini: Geminis have a great fashion sense but don’t think that being well dressed is all you need in life. Try to be nice too. If you can’t be nice try being rich, that helps a lot. When you walk through a storm keep your head held high.
Cancer: “Moan o’er December, cry before June”. I think it’s worth remembering that as you try to better yourselves against all odds. Try to see yourself as others do and you might reach the conclusion that you’re wasting your time. Don’t be downhearted though, take to drink perhaps? Drugs? There are many happy drunks and addicts.
Leo: Men really must get to grips with tidying the tool-shed and women the cupboard under the sink. I know I’m wasting my time telling teenagers what to tidy so just go out and enjoy yourselves kids.
Virgo: I really want to see a good week for you chaps but I just can’t. Are you bringing this all on yourselves do you think? You know if you’d have worked a little harder at school you could have made something of yourself. If you are under 30 try hard to improve yourself. The over 30’s have left it a bit late I think. You know it’s never too late to get a new partner. Men might get a younger one and women should go for a rich one.
Libra: Libra people who bungee-jump should consider taking a break this week. Statistics show that about 8.3% of all bungee jumping accidents involve Libras. Consider taking up Croquet, the mortality rate amongst Libras is extremely low.
Bunny: I was doing my astral projection last Friday night smoking my hubble-bubble when I saw a white horse gallop across your constellation. That could mean either that you will have your Lloyds Bank credit card stopped or you could be trampled by a white horse.
Sagittarius: I think I’ve mentioned before that Milla Jovovich is a Sagittarian and I think she should get an Oscar or the Nobel Peace Prize or a knighthood or something. Lots of you are nice as well but not as nice as Milla, especially men aren’t.
Capricorn: Now I want you people to pay more attention to your dreams. I don’t know what you each dream about but you do. Spend ten minutes at the start of the day trying to think about what your dreams meant. My dream about being naked in Trafalgar Square clearly means that I hate the English and I feel much better knowing that.
So: After I got everyone on board the bus I walked away to get out of earshot and then phoned the hotel where Mum and Aunty Dot were staying and I asked them to upgrade their room, I said that they are travel journalists and were here undercover to write a magazine article about the whole holiday including, of course, the hotel. That did the trick; they bumped an old couple out of the penthouse and started cleaning it ready for Mum and Dot. They installed a much bigger TV and sent someone out for lots of flowers. I told the manager that I’d be eating with them that night so to please make a very special meal.