Your crazy horoscope [no 90]

19th, 2012
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For the weeks beginning ………………..
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: Things went a bit wrong halfway through the third week. Mum and Aunty Dot overdid the drink one night and picked up a couple of Turkish blokes in a disco. One happened to be the book-keeper at their hotel but he didn’t let on. Then Aunty Dot admitted that they were staying free and eating and drinking free because I’d told the manager that they were travel journalists. The book-eeper chap had noticed the significant drop in profit over the last few weeks and of course he told the manager next day. [After leaving Dot’s bed, cheeky swine]. Mum and Dot were thrown out and had to go to the airport to find a flight out of the country and I was hauled in front of my boss and sacked.
Aquarius: Another bad week or two I’m afraid. You know it could be your own fault, stop being so grumpy and listen to your dear spouse. Take no notice whatsoever of your kids, they know nothing. Your health should improve if you take care and eat your greens. Don’t wear Paisley you fool.
Pisces: Remember “The scorpion is the snake’s sister”. If you are wondering what to buy your sister for Christmas think about a pretty brooch or a box of chocolates. I’m hoping for an I-Pad off my brother, I bought him a lovely Paisley tie. Buy your boss something big.
Aries: I spent a lot of time on Aries this week and noticed that the whole constellation is twinkling far too much; I think that the twinkling is a result of your behaviour here on earth chaps and I urge you to moderate your antics, too much twinkling can sap your strength.
Taurus: Taurus people should steer clear of Aries people who are twinkling too much for their own good. Eat plenty of roughage to stay regular.
Gemini: “Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.” Mister Aesop said that and I think he was right despite the fact that he probably never existed. Keep using the ointment.
Cancer: I sincerely hope things have improved for you lot. My readings for you have been so bad lately that I couldn’t bring myself to print them. My Dad is a Cancer and he is currently in dire need of psychiatric help, as was Hunter Thompson and Kafka [before he turned into a beetle] and as is Lindsay Lohan; all Cancer loonies.
Leo: I suppose that Mussolini and Castro were true to type and lion-like in their ways but the rest of you seem a bit wimpish to me. Try going into the garden each morning and roaring very loud; by the end of the week you will be ready to make a long speech from your balcony. Eat plenty of red meat.
Virgo: I think I mentioned before that you should try to get out more. The internet is a wonderful tool but can easily enslave you. That beautiful Russian lady you write to is really a fat old slag in Accrington. Join your local library and check out the librarian; imagine her without the specs and with her hair down. Most lady virgos are lying.
Libra: I strongly advise ladies to tidy up their underwear drawer, I mean do you really need so many pairs? Men could perhaps buy a few more and change them more frequently. Men should not wear ladies’ underwear, you could be rushed to hospital and those nurses are merciless.
Bunny: Remember that it’s not what they say about you, it’s what they whisper. Venus approaches your sign this week which could indicate a close friend’s arms dropping off, probably a lady’s with a bare chest. Many men will have their hands full by the weekend.
Sagittarius: I foresee another good week. A flourishing career, blossoming love life and good health all round. There may be one or two exceptions such as the man with the band-saw or the lady airline pilot.
Capricorn: I see a long journey for many Capricorns and a good week for nearly all. Those in jail might give a thought to escaping, try the trick with the wooden horse, they won’t expect that.
So: I’m unemployed again! I had a browse through the local paper but didn’t see much to interest me. [By the way they spell “Careers” with three “r”s !] So I schlepped around a couple of dozen restaurants looking for a waitress job but nobody took me on. I tried a few holiday companies and they all told me to come back in March. Then I tried the internet for work I could do at home but I suspect that many are some sort of con and those which seemed not to be offer very low wages. So…here I am back in Wales and drawing unemployment benefit. I’m shacking up with that lorry driver from Swindon that I told you about. His name is Gavin.

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