Your Crazy Horoscope [No 92]
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: That was an interesting week. Gavin was away driving a load of shrimps from Morecombe down to Spain to have them shelled and canned so I had the house to myself. He stays down there for three days then brings the canned shrimps back with him. Unfortunately we had a very severe frost on the Monday and I woke up at 11 o’clock to find a flood in the kitchen. I called the plumber but he didn’t get here till 4 o’clock. He fixed the burst pipe in half an hour and as it was time for me to go to work in the pub he gave me a lift. Well, he came in for a drink and stayed till closing time. We got on really well and he insisted on giving me a lift back. He is a real gentleman.
Aquarius: There is an Arab proverb “If you cannot be a lighthouse, at least be a candle”. There is great wisdom in that so heed it well, pretend you’re a candle you poor looser. Oh and watch your step on Wednesday.
Pisces: Pluto traverses Pisces in the coming week which could mean that your dog will die. Mitt Romney is a Pisces and he is cruel to dogs, you should avoid cruelty and also avoid Mitt Romney.
Aries: “Moan o’er December, cry before June”. I think it’s worth remembering that, as you try to better yourselves against all odds. Try to see yourself as others do and you might reach the conclusion that you’re wasting your time. Don’t be downhearted though, take to drink perhaps? Drugs? There are many happy drunks and addicts.
Gemini: Wow! I see great opportunities for many Geminis. Promotion, pay rises, romance and world fame. It’s true that some of you will be drowned or attacked by an axe murderer and some of you will contact an incurable disease but if you do think about those who didn’t. If you get leprosy cancel the milk.
Cancer: I was doing my astral projection last Friday night smoking my hubble-bubble when I saw a white horse gallop across your constellation. That could mean either that you will have your Lloyds Bank credit card stopped or you could be trampled by a white horse.
Leo: Herbert Hoover was a Leo and he did very well, after inventing the hoover he got to be president of America which was his second good idea. Mussolini was a Leo too so after you’ve invented something you could go into politics. Lady Leos should just stick to hoovering.
Libra: Many Libra people are boring so try giving up stamp collecting or, if you are a golfer, give up talking about it, nobody’s interested. Boring ladies are OK if they are pretty but not if they are ugly. Give up one or the other.
Bunny: I got you mixed up again, sorry. It’s this week which offers you the possibility of being a bit less boring. My advice differs a little this week though. I advise you not to be so utterly boring. Joseph Stalin was a Scorpio and was boring for many years but he got quite interesting after a while. Don’t develop into a tyrant though; aim to be interesting but nice. Oops! I said Scorpio, sorry.
Sagittarius: The conventional view is that you are friendly, helpful and intellectual. I think that’s a little misguided here in the northern hemisphere. Miserable, contrary and fat seems more characteristic to me. Ask your spouse who’s right. No offence of course.
Capricorn: If you look after your bowels then your bowels will look after you. Remember that. Also remember your mum and dad’s birthdays. Do not buy your dad slippers; a bottle of whisky is much better. Brush your teeth before bed and floss regularly.
So: The plumbers name is Cyril but he says that everyone calls him Scudder which is a strange name but it’s tattooed right across his chest [but with only one “d”, it was an amateur job] which is better than having Cyril tattooed there. He was in the SAS. Unfortunately Mrs Cole from over the road saw that his van was outside the house all night so she came over to poke her nose in. I told her that the leak was very serious and the plumber worked all night but I don’t think she believed me because she said that all the lights were off. I suspect that she’ll have a word with Gavin when he gets back but I’ll think of something by then I hope. Oh and Gavin’s cat seems to have disappeared, I’ve an idea he might be in the back of Scudder’s van.