Your Crazy Horoscope [No91]

17th, 2013
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For the weeks starting ………………
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: It’s so expensive to live here in Wales. I decided to get a bit of a job to supplement the pathetic amount the unemployment people give me; it wouldn’t even keep me in drink. So, as I am so experienced I got a barmaids job at The Puking Parrot. Silly name for a pub but they have all changed their names since I was last here. My old local was The Red Lion but now it’s called “Tall Orders”. Anyway, I started last Wednesday and it happened to be the quiz night. Now I’m not exactly the brain of Britain but this lot were pathetic. Most of the questions were about pop music, football, films or soap operas. The punters didn’t do too badly with those but “Who wrote ‘A tree grows in Brooklyn’?” got “Alan Titchmarsh?” and “What’s the capital of South Africa?” got “Egypt?” I was dying to shout the right answers at them but the landlord Bedwyn kept kicking me just before I did.
Aquarius: If you didn’t find a better partner last week then best give up. Time to reassess the old model, look at both of you in the mirror and you may well conclude that that’s the best you’ll ever get. If I was a bloke only pretending to be a lady I think I’d stand a chance with Milla Jovovich.
Pisces: You people are so predictable. I see a muesli breakfast for many and fried eggs for many. I predict lots of coffee and a little less tea. Uncanny eh? For the individualist may I recommend a large glass of Visne and Vodka. I call it a V2 and it will set you up well for the day.
Aries: Is your love life boring chaps? This could be the week to change that. Buy, borrow or make a limping dog and walk it around the supermarket car park. I guarantee you’ll be chatted up in no time. Your career may be advanced if you take a cake in for the boss.
Taurus: If you don’t mind me saying you don’t look very “bull” like dressed like that! Just look at yourself, then walk down the road watching the reaction of people you pass. Those sniggers should tell you something. No offence intended.
Gemini: Several great mathematicians were born under Gemini so give maths a try; start by calculating ten percent of your bar bills you meanies. A week to care for your health, try not to hit your thumb with a hammer, or your head of course.
Cancer: I see a tall stranger enter your life. If you are tall and strange yourself it could be you in the mirror so don’t be alarmed. If you are short then introduce yourself. Ladies could be into a romance but men should be very wary, if it’s a bloke he might hit you and if it’s a tall strange lady things could get really nasty.
Leo: A lucky break on Tuesday could lead to a career change unless you have a job like rat-catcher or car washer, I just can’t see an easy change coming your way. Rat catcher to lawyer? Car washer to architect? Do me a favour! Ladies might give some thought to the art of massage; I hear that the money is good and the tips can be very generous.
Virgo: Virgos should watch their diet very carefully, first to lose a little weight but secondly so as not to eat nasty things like boot polish or newspaper. If you eat “The Mail” you could be very ill. Do not tread on pavement joints or walk under ladders. Avoid black cats and carry a horseshoe at all times. I see a good end to the week if you survive.
Libra: Margaret Thatcher is a Libra and she only started one war. Katherine Zeta Jones is another and she’s Welsh and hasn’t even started a single war yet. You chaps are a bit difficult to predict but may I ask you please not to start any wars ladies; and men, please don’t dress up as ladies, you fool no one.
Bunny: Cleanliness is important but I advise against excess. It is not necessary to wash your hands after opening a door unless it has lots of nasty stuff on the handle. Yet another week to stay away from the sea and fast flowing rivers. An excellent week for crossing deserts and that may cure your hand washing compulsion.
Sagittarius: “A dimple in the chin-the devil within”. I did write to warn Katherine Zeta Jones the famous Welsh beauty but she went ahead and married that chap with a dimple like The Grand Canyon. If you have a dimple you can have it filled in Turkey quite cheaply or go to England and get a quote from Taylor-Woodrow or Avon. I don’t promise that the devil will evacuate but at least no one will guess he’s there.
Capricorn: I trust that the rash cleared up? If not continue with the treatment for another week. Best stay away from singles bars and such places. Also stay out of jail and the navy. Your car may break at the weekend.
So: I forgot to mention Gavin. He’s the bloke who gave me a lift from the east coast when I got out of Holland after they issued the arrest warrant five years ago. [They’ve got no chance of getting me now of course because I’ve changed my name once or twice since then, you may remember that the second change was after I accidently set fire to that ship in the Red Sea when I was trying to get to Canada.] Gavin goes away quite a lot with his driving jobs so it’s very convenient living in his house. I earn my keep of course on account of feeding the cat and the snail. When Gavin isn’t away he comes to the pub every night and spends a fortune drinking Vodka and Coke. He gets very drunk and gives me huge tips.

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