Your Crazy Horoscope

18th, 2012
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For the week starting…………
By Very Mystic Blodweudd
Well: I’m doing quite well with this repping lark. I think I told you that the actual wages aren’t so good but I’m doing quite well with the perks. Every time I sell a tour I get commission and when I actually act as guide on a tour I get commission off the lunch restaurant [and a free meal] and from any sales in the shops we stop off at. I did get a couple of complaints after that first trip to the ancient city near Fethiye. The tourists only got about half an hour to walk around and they said that wasn’t enough. I could have done the whole city in about ten minutes, it was really just a heap of rocks. Well, some of them were carved but most of those were broken.
Aquarius: Avoid bad company unless they are very rich in which case you should try to get very close to them even if they are Leos. Also avoid too much fast food or you could end up like an American. If you meet Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey be very nice to them and suggest a holiday in Fethiye.
Pisces: I’m pretty sure that Pisces people will enjoy a good week health-wise. Don’t be complacent though, wrap up well and eat plenty of roughage. Consider a change of partner, men should go for a younger pretty girl and women should look out for an old rich man.
Aries: Mars is in the vicinity of Aries again which seems a bit unfair to me, it could mean that you will have to go to war. If there isn’t a war handy please don’t start one they are very expensive and nasty. Be nice to your parents and your boss. No need to be nice to junior staff or very young people. Clean your teeth with an up and down motion.
Taurus: A high number of actresses called Hepburn were born under this sign so if you are called Hepburn you could get famous as an actress. I don’t think there are any men called Hepburn. Men called Cromwell could do well in politics and revolutions etc.
Gemini: Venus conjuncts with Gemini this week which indicates that someone’s arms may drop off. Possibly the best precaution is to keep your hands in your pockets, never mind what people think about you men, it’s none of their business anyway. If you see a fellow Gemini by all means give him a hearty “Hello!” but best not wave.
Cancer: I trust that you are fully recovered after your disgraceful behavior the other night? You really are your own worst enemy you know.
Leo: Far be it for me to draw conclusions based on statistics but about 8.3 percent of gay people are Leos and about ten percent of all men are gay, so I make that an 83 percent chance that you are one of them. I’ve got nothing against them mind, some of my best friends are. Consider a career in fashion design.
Virgo: Jesse James was a Virgo so you might think about a career as an outlaw, the pay is excellent but there is a certain amount of risk involved. Even outlaws should not neglect their health so in between robberies etc you should eat plenty of fruit and veg and don’t forget to clean your teeth at night, even in jail.
Libra: If you avoided a lightning strike I see a productive week ahead. New friends will come into your life but you must ascertain their star sign before becoming too close. [See “Leo” above.] Your cat or dog could fall victim to a lightning strike this week; fashion them some little rubber booties from a pair of rubber gloves.
Bunny: I saw a “Bunny” walk into a restaurant wearing a bathing costume last week. What is the matter with you people? Stop nose-picking too, at least in public.
Sagittarius: The extra star in your constellation two weeks ago turned out to be an airplane and of no significance to your future, so if you didn’t fall violently ill and die I apologize. Maybe this week?
So: The boat trip went well enough. Most people got just a bit drunk but three blokes from Gillingham got absolutely legless. One jumped in the water and nearly drowned because he couldn’t swim, the other two got very, very sick and spent half the afternoon lying down at the sharp end with their heads hanging over the side. When we were rescuing the drowning chap one of the sick two threw up on him but it soon washed off. After we got back to land I took some of the punters to a carpet shop and scored twenty quid when one bought a priceless carpet at the bargain price of £200. I think Gillingham people must be daft.

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