Your Horoscope 05 March 2012

5th, 2012
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So: It happened just like I said! That woman with all the boyfriends dumped “Mr X” and of course two days later she was sitting in the restaurant with the Tuesday boyfriend when we were raided by the drugs squad! About fifteen of them burst in, half through the front door and half through the kitchen! They were very noisy and shouted for us all to lie down on the floor. [I happened to notice that “Tuesday” was lying on top of Whatshername!] They searched us all and eventually left, taking the slut with them. As she was led away she shouted out that she was innocent and that “Mr X” had been born outside of marriage. He just laughed but slyly kicked “Tuesday” who was still lying on the floor.

Aquarius: I foresee a hearty breakfast, a good lunch and a dinner fit for a king. Please consider losing weight however, you big lummox.

Pisces: Watch out today, someone’s out to get you! Someone very close! I strongly advise that you strike first. The rest of the week might be OK apart from the arrival of someone else with a similar plot. Constant vigilance is advised.

Aries: I suppose you won’t need reminding that Adolf Hitler was an Aries. Please resist any unpleasant urges you may feel this week, try not to invade anywhere or to be mean to gay people and gypsies. Gay Aries folk should avoid dressing up as Nazis, it can give an unfavorable impression.

Taurus: I think I mentioned before that you should try to get out more. The internet is a wonderful tool but can easily enslave you. That beautiful Russian lady you write to is really a fat old lady in Accrington. Join your local library and check out the librarian; imagine her without the spec’s and with her hair down. Funny they don’t have male librarians eh?

Gemini: Great week coming up for most of you but a few Geminis will drown or be electrocuted. Avoid water and electricity. Brush your teeth with an up and down motion. Geminis are often too shy and withdrawn, work on this; start by wearing extremely loud clothing; starting with your shoes and ending with a big hat, maybe pink.

Cancer: Another good week with great career prospects if you survive the redundancies. Romance will blossom and your health will probably improve or you might catch swamp fever; best stay out of swamps.

Leo: I suppose that Mussolini and Castro were true to type and lionish in their ways but the rest of you seem a bit wimpish to me. Try going into the garden each morning and roaring very loud; by the end of the week you will be ready to make a long speech from your balcony. Eat plenty of red meat.

Virgo: Remember that it’s not what they say about you, it’s what they whisper. Venus approaches Virgo this week which could indicate someone’s arms dropping off, probably a lady’s with a bare chest. Many men will have their hands full by the weekend.

Libra: Happy days! A week of jollyment for most Libras. Enjoy it whilst you can. Try not to worry though.

Bunny: I foresee another good week, a flourishing career, blossoming love life and good health all round. There may be one or two exceptions such as the man with the band-saw or the lady airline pilot on a bad-hair-day. A lady in Lincolnshire once gobbled up a small herd of sheep with a combine-harvester because she was having a bad-hair-day.

Sagittarius: I must say that you are a very lucky lot, very few of you drowned last week and I’ve had no reports of lightning strikes. Do not be complacent however; this week may be quite different. Avoid cracks in the pavement and don’t stand under trees in thunderstorms. Eat plenty of fruit and veg’.

Capricorn: Don’t take your spouse for granted, from time to time tell him or her that you love them; don’t overdo it of course lest you breed suspicion. Try a bunch of flowers men or a bottle of whisky ladies. If I was a man only pretending to be a lady I’d probably prefer Jamesons; Red Label would probably be a bit of an insult.

Well: Funny how things work out. They searched the woman’s flat looking for drugs. They didn’t find any but they did find some bomb making equipment! Of course “Mr X” was delighted and he told me that he was getting promotion and that he’d got me a pay rise! I’m sure “X” knows it was a pure fluke but he couldn’t tell his bosses that and that’s why I got the rise. Of course I’m still only a waitress but I get paid more than anyone else in the restaurant including the Chef. Also, we are busier than ever because of the publicity and word got out that I helped in “the bust” so I get even more tips. Life is good right now.

By Very Mystic Blodweudd

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