Your Horoscope 21 Şubat 2012
Well: I had a few days rest whilst Singing Glyn was in the slammer but the police couldn’t stop him singing so they had to let him go. However, because of the complaints from our citizens they decided to throw him out of town. That was fine with me, I packed his suitcase and guitar and delivered them to the police station. Glyn was already in the police van which was soundproofed, but I could see him through the glass; he was still singing. They drove away and I learned later that they took him to a place called Kirsehir right in the middle of the country. The police were very nice, they had a collection and put him in a small hotel in Kirsehir with the equivalent of about £150 to keep him going.
Aquarius: If you were not hit by a meteorite last week I advise you to still keep your eyes open this week because of the ascent of Jupiter I just mentioned. Better safe than sorry, eh? I too was not hit by a meteorite, a bit of a coincidence. Chewing gum can help you stop smoking and I think it’s good for the teeth. So is toothpaste.
Pisces: Career wise I predict good things unless you work at HSBC in which case you may well be sacked but please reinstate my credit card before you go. Bad prospects also for digiturk employees. Dairy maids may be promoted but several encyclopedia salesmen could also be down the road. Love will blossom for many ladies, but strangely for far fewer men.
Aries: Your tendency towards pedantry is a little annoying to some people. The world will not stop spinning if he puts his boots on the table or cleans the windows with his undies. Relax a little and remember “Corn grows no brighter than wheat”. Men, you are in for a cracking week if you are lucky.
Taurus: I hope the week went well. I think I got it a bit wrong again; I meant to remind you of the saying “Better dry nuts than wet fruit”. You will learn who your true friends are this week. Look who is near you right now and think hard; does one of them owe you money? Might one of them seduce your partner? Failing complete confidence perhaps leave immediately.
Gemini: Sorry, I got you mixed up last week with someone else. It was actually my cat that the stars revealed would have a good week and as usual I was spot on. This week the cat will have an active love life but [sorry] you Gemini people won’t.
Cancer: I’m pretty sure I got you lot right last week and whatever I told you will apply this week too.
Leo: “Moan o’er December, cry before June”. I think it’s worth remembering that as you try to better yourselves against all odds. Try to see yourself as others do and you might reach the conclusion that you’re wasting your time. Don’t be downhearted though, take to drink perhaps? Drugs? There are many happy drunks and addicts.
Virgo: Are you tired of people sniggering when you tell them you are a Virgo? You could try wearing a discrete label with your “score” penciled in. Remember to up the score at least twice a week, occasionally by four or five overnight.
Libra: When will you people learn? Accept your life for what it is. Obesity is no sin, laziness not a crime and frugality a life-style choice. That people tend to avoid you should be seen as an advantage. Cheer up, there’s always someone worse off.
Bunny: I advise Bunny people to avoid Libras; even if they are young, slim, industrious and generous, rest assured they’ll change over time. Good career prospects for you chaps and you could find a briefcase full of money in the back of a taxi. If you opt to keep it don’t forget a good tip for the driver.
Sagittarius: I told you that you would have a good week. Uncanny eh? This week will disappoint I’m afraid. Your spouse may very well leave you and you may get the sack. You may also get a cold sore which will look really awful and no one will want to kiss you. Don’t worry though, there’s always someone worse off.
Capricorn: The forthcoming week for Capricorn people rather depends on their age. Those under about one will have a varied week with many damp or dirty nappies but possibly lots of mother’s comfort. Those from one to about 13 will have a great time. Pisces from 13 to 17 will be very miserable but Pisces from 17 to about 40 will be very happy, have lots of “loving”, will do well career wise and will generally be healthy. It all goes downhill from there.
So: Berwyn and I have spotted a potential victim to frame as a terrorist. He is a fat German and very rude. He complained because I spilt a bowl of Spaghetti-Bolognese on him and he didn’t leave a tip. Berwyn has followed him home so we know where he lives and we found out that his name is Gunter Schmidt. We are still working on the plan and in the meantime I’ve started to give him the eye so that he still comes in here. I have hinted to “Mr X” that I’ve heard some suspicious talk between him and a Turkish bloke but when I drop Herr Schmidt into it I’ll certainly not involve a nice innocent local chap, I’m not a mean person.
By Very Mystic Blodweudd